Hm. I went to a ED support group yesterday (which I didn't really like. everyone was far too quiet, pure and weepy, and then all the sudden confrentational and attacking once I started talking) but after that was an NA meeting, which I stayed for because well, yeah I get drunk and high for the wrong reasons, and it's not like I was ever into hardcore drugs like cocaine or anything...but I'd do them if I got a chance. -Shrug- I figured it might prove helpful to addressing the addict mindset, as opposed to me getting hardcore addicted first, and then having to go. So, that was interesting. I felt a little bit like a fraud, because I've only done pot and stuff, and I don't think I'm addicted to anything...but I really liked the people there a lot. They were friendly, loud, rambunctious, the meeting even had a break so everyone could go smoke cigarettes! Some guy asked for my number...ha, um I may end up getting high with him sometime. he didn't want to be there, I guess his parents forced him or something. -Shrug-

I passed out at work the other day! It was dramatic and very embarassing. I had purged before going into work, and was feeling dizzy and sick anyway...and then I sliced my finger with a steak knife, on accident, and as blood squirted everywhere and my manager was trying to get it to stop bleeding (standing up over a sick) I felt even dizzier and spots where flying all around, and it was hot and humid and the air was thick in the kitchen and then all the sudden I was waking up on the floor. Interesting. I've never passed out before so that was...weird.

Hey all,

So, life has been going all right I suppose. I got into a bit of a verbal tussle with my father and mother about moving out this year. The neighborhood my best friend and I are planning on moving to is an admittedly terrible neighborhood. Break-ins and gangs and muggings, I suppose, are frequent and my parents think someone will rape, kill or mug little white girl me. I admit I am a bit concerned about the neighborhood...and it's not like I want to cling to the teenage naivety or childish invincibility complex, but at the same time I do want to move. The rent is extremely cheap ($200 a month, + utilities) and I'd love the experience of being out and this is where my best friend already has a place (his parents own the house, and are willing to rent it to us. His parents moved because...um....it's a really bad neighborhood and someone broke in and they got upset..) The fight was upsetting and I don't know what I should do now. I mean, it is nerve-wracking...but at the same time I do have that dumb little invincible feeling, and it's not like I'll be out walking the streets at night or anything. I have to figure out if the positives (which my parents don't see) outweigh the negatives. I'm really relieved that I have an income now though. I'm almost full-time, 36 hours a week, enough to pay rent and all.
I'm feeling a little apprehensive about the job, because I've never held down a full-time position before, and I'm afraid I'll become disillusioned to the work very quickly, but at the same time...income, means to an end, ect. Actually, I do like the work...I just feel as if I shouldn't. I mean, it's a minimum-wage job at a diner in  trailer-trash-ville. It's not anything I every thought a "person like me" should be doing, or should like. It's almost like I'm afraid to like it because if I like it I'll do it forever and be stuck as a low-class trashy pot-head for life. Ha! It's a bit ridiculous to type out, but it feels like a valid concern in my head. Of course I worry about how people see me as well. "yes, I work at a diner...yes, I actually love it and I don't know when I'm going back to school..."
Oh well, to hell with other's perceptions! I'm happy for now at least. I'm definitely romanticizing it, because diners and coffee and all are so very starving-artist, and I like the poetry of working a shitty job where you get to interact with the locals and go out for cigarette breaks and then party, read, write, ect in your free time (M/W/F days and after 10pm, and T//R/S/S nights) Whenever I put my LP (place where I work) visor on over my floral headscarf, and drive off to work with a cigarette in my hand, a poem I wrote before work in my head, and plans for later that night I feel very Difranco, very Kerouac and Johnson...-Shrug- I'm working on being okay with being okay with the situation. And really...who likes their job? I don't know. Even if it turns out crappily....I can deal with it because it's what it is right now.
And of course I am convincing my parents I WILL eventually go back to school and be rat-race "successful" , or at least making more than minimum wage. Ha. My poor parents. ? Nah. They had the 70's and all. And I will go back to school. I have my entire life. It's really all right. :)

 So my mother gets home yesterday, and I go down to say hello. She gets angry, and says I should delete my brother from my MySpace so he doesn't have to "read that crap." I ask her what she is talking about, she says I know. Eventually it comes out that she read the blog I posted (on PREFERRED LIST ONLY, for a reason) The blog was the same as the entry I posted yesterday (storytelling title) and so I guess somehow she got on MySpace or something and read the blog...which is NONE of her business. Apparently someone (who? I only have four people...people I thought I could trust...on the preferred list) called her and told her to look at it, so she did and then confronted me about it, in a very typical mom - typical unhelpful off-putting way. So, I was angry, kept asking who talked to her, she absolutely refused to tell me. So I left. (around 7:30) I grabbed my phone, my phone-charger, put on sneakers and a coat, scarf, sweatshirt, ect and walked out the door. I live about 3 miles from town, so I biked into town and called a few friends to see if they could come get me. I live about 45 minutes away from most of my friends, so I walked around town for a little while and waited for them to call me back and see if they could help me out, because at that point I was so angry and upset that I just didn't want to go home. We've had the whole conversation about how she isn't allowed to go on my MySpace, ect...especially not to read blogs (which are always on friends only, preferred only, ect anyway, so it is completely inappropriate for her to do what she's done not only this time, but a few times before.) So, We've had this argument a FEW times, and yet she continues to find out things that way as opposed to just asking me straight out, or letting me know someone has talked to her about me, ect...I got sick of it, so I just left and didn't go home last night.

Around 9:00 I finally secured a ride to my friend's place (My car is in the shop, of COURSE.) and around 9:45 I left my town and got to my friend's around 11:00.

I felt very melodramatic and 13 year-oldish, but I really could not deal with the bullshit. At some point before my ride came my mom called me and we talked about a few things, but I still wasn't ready to go home. So...-shrug- I could have planned better, instead of just leaving...but I was so mad that I wasn't thinking clearly, wasn't sure what to do exactly, ect and just had to leave the house.

So...as there are only four people on my preferred list, I'm sure it was one of my high-school friends, which really makes me angry. I'm sure they think they were being helpful, but we're not 10 anymore...you don't go to mommy if someone is in trouble, especially serious trouble, ESPECIALLY since they haven't actually talked to me in a while...we haven't had any serious life heart-to-hearts in probably a year...they could have come to me, let me know they were worried, ect without pulling some back-handed intervention shit. Interventions come AFTER you've talked to the person in trouble...not because you read something confidential and don't feel like dealing with the person themselves. So, I'm pretty upset with them..I was supposed to go get coffee with them tonight, planned before the drama, and obviously now I have to go home tonight, talk things out, fucking whatever. It's a total mess, and I feel really betrayed, exposed, stupid, ect. I hate the way my parent's went about things, I hate the way my high school friends went about things, it's all a mess and I'm exhausted with no cigarettes and no money and no car...god knows how I'm getting home. My mother is in the area today (I'm at my college now) so she may pick me up, which is fine because we have to talk more anyway....but it's all just so dumb and messy and UGH.